Today is the 25th anniversary the The Legend the Zelda. It to be released for the original NES on February 21st, 1986. It continues to be an undisputed standard to this day. Even if, throughout the past two-and-a-half decades, it’s been the Scottie Pippen that Nintendo franchises.
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(To expand that metaphor, Metroid would be Horace give (clear third)… Kid Icarus would certainly be john Paxton or Steve Kerr (excellent little white guy who couldn’t carry the flag)… Startropics would certainly be invoice Cartwright (eventually no one would certainly pass that the ball)… Tetris would be Toni Kukoc (Eurasian import that could more than organize its own)… and Dennis Rodman is the unreleased speculative WiiWare video game Mike Tyson, Kirby, and also Waluigi take it Shrooms Then shot To Recreate famous Post-Impressionist Paintings.)
Anyway, once upon a time ns did a list of the 11 greatest a-holes from Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. And now, a long-awaited spin-off… the 11 greatest a-holes indigenous The Legend of Zelda. This is only referring to the initial Gangsta NES version. Nobody of the sequels. And only the very first quest, not the 2nd quest — so the “leave her money or her life” guy is out.
In order, structure up come the greatest a-hole the all…11 | The grumbling gatekeeper pig
The nerve that this guy. Friend can’t get past him uneven you give him food. And also not just any type of food. Distinct food you need to buy at a store, external of the dungeon. It’s favor this male is walk to bending you over a barrel to get an overpriced item of mutton. Without also a consideration that if friend buy that dinner, he must think around putting out. Or, in ~ a minimum, offer you the courtesy of a reach-around).10 | The sword-stealing bubbles
I never ever liked these guys. They simply circle around, looking reasonably innocent, and don’t do any type of damage when they struggle you… except they do it so friend can’t usage your sword. Till you touch among them again. It’s like they’re playing the world’s worst game of freeze tag. Or to sing one very, very repetitive remix the the Casper Cha Cha Slide.9 | Manhandla
I love old NES character names. “Manhandla.” It’s a name that feels favor it might be directly out the the J.K. Rowling college of “add one ‘a’ to the end of a native to make it seem mystical.” Anyway, in between his 4 pinchers and increases in speed and also everything, this male was a dick.8 | The aggressive and also overpriced shopkeepers
Some that the Zelda shopkeepers room reasonable; yet the men who have inflated or contempt inflated prices and then berate you with “Buy something, will ya!” space terrible. It’s like the whole bodega endure somehow magically transferred from brand-new York come Hyrule. (“Hey, bro! Bro! You want coffee maker? I sell you coffee maker. $300. Whereby you going? You just come below to waste mine time? no cool, bro.”)7 | prefer Likes
I constantly thought these men looked favor a mix between a half-eaten piece of cake and also a half-eaten hamburger. I think they’re supposed to it is in gelatinous blobs, however that type of gained lost in 8-bit translation.
These guys location mid-list due to the fact that they were slow sufficient to usually be simple kills… but of among ’em recorded you and also started eating you, he’d take far (and, i guess, digest) her expensive miracle shield. That’s a nice steep penalty because that bumping into a half-eaten cakeburger.6 | Darknuts
These men were just so damn tough to kill. Armored indigenous neck to toe, you might only fight them from particular angles or your shields and also gear would block your knife — and also they could hit girlfriend from any type of angle and also inflict a the majority of damage. It was additionally hard to really gain a great angle to attack one because they to walk in remarkable erratic patterns. Prefer they’re drunk. Or trying no to leave a trail. Or dancing like a nine-year-old who simply ate a totality mess that sugar.5 | The old guy who gives destructive advice
I feel favor it was difficult to win Zelda without having some type of Nintendo-sponsored strategy guide. One of the huge reasons: The in-game advice was totally useless. If you to be trying to beat the video game without also peeking in ~ hints, the advice this old bastard provides out wouldn’t be worth a thing.
“Dodongo dislikes smoke.” You’d need to realize that dodongos don’t dislike smoke, lock dislike bombs. Which, yeah, make smoke. However so does the candle. Therefore does the magic wand (when you have actually the magic book). Useless.
That’s simply one example. Of course, my favourite still continues to be “Eastmost penninsula is the secret.” Not only is penninsula spelled wrong, yet to this day, 25 years later, nerds and also super-nerds tho disagree top top which mystery he’s referring to.
Take your negative advice what else, buddy. If us want poor advice, we’ll clock Biggest Loser.4 | Wizzrobes
I always found these men to be the most challenging dungeon enemies. Basically, if you to be in a room through a bunch of them, you to be going to shed some life. Castle fly about quickly, even through hard surfaces, and fire long-distance magic spells. Pains magic spells. No Avada Kedavra-level spells, however definitely Cruciatus Curse-level.
These men freaked me out. Totally made me fear of ghosts. Meanwhile, the radio and also movies were filling my head v propaganda that i shouldn’t be afraid of no ghosts. Yes, really messed with my young mind.3 | The grabbing hand
That damn hand. Simply when you’re making great progress through a dungeon, one of these hands appears out the a wall, bring away you, traction you right into the wall, and transports you ago to the beginning of the level. That’s probably the world’s worst-case glory hole scenario.2 | Ganon
Yeah, yeah, he’s the embodiment the evil and the inspiration for the totality game and also such. Therefore he gets this spot. Ns can’t offer him the peak spot because, until the an extremely end that the really last level, the doesn’t actually carry out anything. And also then when he does present up, it transforms out he’s a green pig. He’s not even half-man and also half-bear, too. Just a pig. There room so many things in this world much more frightening 보다 a eco-friendly pig. Plus friend don’t also get that good of a look in ~ him because he keeps disappearing over and also over. The trick made Keyser Soze more evil; it renders Ganon the eco-friendly Pig lose a most his ummph.1 | The door repairs guy
So you’re wandering around the Hyrule overworld. You’re indiscriminately bombing, setup fire, and blowing the horn — just hoping friend stumble top top a an enig room. And also lo, you’ve bombed a wall and a covert door has appeared! You even hear the little jingle Zelda plays as soon as a mystery is uncovered.
Giddy, girlfriend guide attach through the door, eagerly anticipating what surprised lies top top the other side. And it is… a male who says, “Pay me for the door fix charge.” then he extorts 20 rupees indigenous you without permission and also sends girlfriend on your way… despondent, defeated, unfulfilled.
While I believe that these kinds of kicks in the gut did help toughen up my generation… gaining hit with door repairs would usually be enough to make someone throw down the controller in disgust. And then — gasp — he can even stop playing video clip games for the day and go out and play in the sun.
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That blood is on her hands, door repairs guy.
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11 Worst Advice given by the Old guy in Legend that Zelda, Ranked by Awfulness