I effectively crawled my way out the the unpreventable Super key hangover — the yearly event where common folk, like myself, are uncovered shoveling mayo-based dips in our mouths, flushing the caloric feast down the hatch v a bounty the beer and also after half-time simultaneously texting, retweeting or within questioning, "Why don"t i look prefer J.Lo?" while heading to the dessert table because that one much more brownie.

You are watching: Siesta key season 3 episode 5

Meanwhile, few of the “Siesta Key” cast boarded a private jet native Sarasota come Miami (holy jet lag!) to cheer on eastern County graduate Austin Reiter, who at this time plays for the Super key Champion Chiefs team — but let"s be real, no one went because that the yes, really game, walk they?


Juliette made it known to her followers that she to be frolicking at the tough Rock stadion while following her kryptonite, “Bachelor” contestants, to the after parties.

First, Juliette met up through man-child Tyler Cameron, who"s been attached to the real-deal-Instagram-famous Gigi Hadid and Kylie Jenner"s BFF Stassi Karanikolaou (Dear Robby, you can"t slide into
GigiHadid DMs favor you did with
JuliettePorter) andUs Weekly beginning rumors.


Rumor mill evidence:


Second, we met the present Bachelor candidate Pilot Peteand, there is no watching any “Bachelor” episode since 2002 however aggressively adhering to all points pop culture, I"m shocked the pilot didn"t do out through tipsy-Jules appropriate then and there.


Lastly, we acquire insight to Juliette’s “Bachelor”-and-boozed-up Miami weekend as the “Key” girl flooded mine feed with self-promotions of your Siesta crucial Taco Tuesday minutes prior to this week’s present aired.


Juliette, crafting her taco: “Dude, I simply need come eat food because that once.”

Chloe, recording for the Siesta vital Instagram live story, “Juliette, did you have fun in Miami?”

Juliette, in full-throttle-hangover mode, “Oh girl, ns don’t want to talk around it.”

So that"s what you missed IRL from the “The Bachelor” “Siesta Key” actors this week.

Now, I offer you crucial Notes...

Juliette revisits critical week’s episode, which you could additionally just read here.

Amanda, Chloe and also Madisson find one more desolate point out on the world-famous Siesta an essential Beach (why don’t I have this luck?) and plop their tan bods down while pointing out Cara Gate, in instance you missed Juliette’s recap … or mine.

Amanda shares she’s keeping both BG and JJ since she demands “her options” (and she only hooks up with males whose nicknames consist of 2 letters).Chloe calls out Cara’s behavior: “You don’t shed it like that if you no guilty.” PREACH.Amanda graciously accepts the location of gift Florida trash.We’re reminded of call GATE.Cara phone call Madisson, not fairly sure why Madisson is the one to break the news...

CARA has actually LEFT THE an essential AND IS HEADED ago TO THE ARMPIT the IS new JERSEY.

Madisson provides Cara a parting gift through saying, “If I ever go insane, I’d expect you men would stand by me.” Nice initiative there, M.JJ and also Jared interrupt girls’ day in ~ the beachButt shots and claws lead to Amanda questioning Chloe for help to choose between her duo-initial-named “Key” guys.BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Abruptly, without any kind of sort of develop up, absolutely no dramatization or detailed cinematic ago story, Alyssa is introduced to Key-heads as the girl whom “Alex is dating.”

YOU HAVE acquired TO it is in KIDDING ME.

MTV, you have the chance to autumn the best news of the Godforsaken show, and also you carry it come your loyal fans the same means Alex delivered the flipping cheese board? BLAND and BORING.

We demand new writers that will comply to our basic request come redo Alyssa’s understated introduction.

Each week us watch these episodes flashbacking critical week’s illustration that WASTE ours PRECIOUS an essential MINUTES yet don’t implement any kind of intricate lead-up to Alex Kompo’s new gal pal? Weak sauce.

Alyssa’s hair, together a hairdresser, important looks perfect in her first scene.Flashback come Juliette making fun of her relationship with her barber (womp, womp).Alex admits the Juliette will certainly be salty when she sees Alyssa at the party.Alyssa feeds Alex eco-friendly grapes together the sunlight sets.

Juliette speaks the reality to united state (and Kelsey) for the first time all season: “I think ns got caught up with my brand-new guy and also hurt my friends in the process.” Welcome come ground control, small lady.

Kelsey pours huge glasses that wine and also asks Jules how her trip to greek went.Juliette states cameras were through them the whole time, she was in every picture, they remained a hotel “out that this world,” and that to be that. No a peep around her leech the a boyfriend.Kelsey’s wine glass is consumed at a quicker rate 보다 Juliette’s.Juliette coins, “There are times once Siesta key is accurate hell in paradise.”

This illustration we are introduced to Robby’s mates, previously introduced Joe (LOVE THE WRAP!) and also Jake.

Moment the truth: i don’t think those are their actual names, just names Robby assumed sounded great together for his young band.

Jake take away his very first scene on “Siesta Key” come a severe route and shares some deep-rooted household health issues.And if nobody is going to say it, i will: The emotional and very-sad-if-true story the his dad’s ailment can have gotten him right into Kelsey’s bed.I mean, c’mon, us all experienced “Messy Kelsey” give him the “I can’t wait to sleep v you” head tilt paired through the “I’m at this time picturing friend naked” eyes.

We fade right into the BG and Amanda flop that a romance wherein Brandon, presumptuously high together a kite, goes in for official, “Official” title request.

Personally, lock should have started play N*SYNC’s song “Girlfriend” together BG topped off his hopeful lover’s glass with an ext dark-colored liquor every the if canoodling in the hot-tub … throughout the job … in Florida … in the summer.

I felt that hangover enter my body as I typed the last sentence.

I come ago to the show I’m an alleged to it is in watching, after ~ vividly envisioning Justin Timberlake and the gang in the middle of a used automobile parking lot, come hear Amanda shut under BG (yet again two periods later!): “Can we just see wherein this goes? stop just have actually fun, friend know?”

We knoooooooooooow, Amanda.

Onto another pair that ns hope we don’t have to witness because that much longer this season, Juliette and Robby (insert part hilarious nickname because that him here since I’m so worn down of coming v one up. He doesn’t deserve my wit).

Juliette interrupts his “business call” v Jake, that is probably using another sob story to steal Kelsey from Jared.We’re reminded the Robby no think Juliette should make up with she friends.Robby texted Alex Kompo — oooooh weeeeeee, this leads to a doozy.“Once upon a time we were boys.” Is he now posing as a kids’ author too?Alex and also Robby acquire into the via text, prefer civilized adults, and it ends through Alex telling Robby, “Don’t ever before think around texting me again.”Oh, and emojis definitely make one appearance.Robby spits out an additional slogan because that his /t-shirt line: “It’s favor sitting in the vehicle drivers seat and also watching life in the rearview mirror.” Why he said this and for what reason, ns forgot.Juliette tells Robby she is walking to walk clear the air and also talk come Alex.Robby’s mature solution to her plan of action: “I hate thinking around you in the exact same vicinity together that kid, and I’m versus it.”

So choose a gibberish bitch, she ignores she serial-killer-looking-deadbeat-ex-“Bachelor”-contestant-boyfriend and also goes to her ex’s parent’s mansion.

1-800-ASK-GARY’S-WIFE makes breakfast for her family in your tiny and in-desperate-need-of-a-remodel kitchen.Crescent club gets a name drop and also a promise for a face-lift.Juliette come at the palace and also 1-800-ASK-GARY-AND-GARY’S-WIFE call Alex to “take the high road.”

Rolling as much as her ex’s parent’s mega mansion in her new shiny Benz (later admitting she want a Lexus but didn’t have actually the credit) choose a boss, Juliette records the perfect coast breeze and also elegantly flutters her method up the stairs come behead she ex-lover.

Sorry, i was hoping because that some kind of “Game that Thrones” moment here, but NOPE.

We’re grounding watching with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb’s inability to establish any kind of sort of objective for the desire reunion scene. Someone must have offered these two a better briefing before shooting. WHAT A let DOWN.

“What’s up? I favor the brand-new car.”

That. Is. How. The. Conversation. Commences.

Juliette feels favor she’s go on eggshells roughly town.Alex phone call Robby a “f***ing loser.” AGREED, residence SLICE. Speaking of, where is the pizza this episode?Alex admits, “Fine, I’m no over you.” but he is under Alyssa. AY YO.“You haven’t uncovered a girl the isn’t as hot as me?” You have the right to only guess who spilled the end those humbling indigenous in this discussion.Juliette has actually a temper tantrum and storms turn off in her pumpkin … sorry, Benz.

And then, the end of the woodwork, comes an entirely new concept to the show.

HA, just KIDDING KEY-HEADS. We are invited to yet an additional birthday party full of drunken banter at an open bar at the show’s favourite locale, Sarasota Modern.

Per usual, we watch girls and the boys acquiring ready and discussing the drama.

But in all seriousness, anyone is act Chloe’s makeup, you re welcome tell me ASAP due to the fact that Chloe girl, you look FLAWLESS. (And yes, this is a 100% actual statement.)

Madisson agrees with me the Robby’s veneers and also beady eyes do him look like a serial killer.Juliette speak Kelsey she talked to Alex, and Kelsey goes, “Why?” LMFAO.

Onto Amanda’s “cocktail attire required” birthday party us go (where over there is not one glimmer of Garrett, however he to be there)!


Obviously the hotel has guests floating in the swimming pool behind taping.Jake comes the end with guns blazing and also calls Alex a sociopath.We’re inundated v an unnecessary quantity of zoomed-in shots that what each cast member is wearing as they exit the car. (Let the be their Lyft, their mother dropped them off or the auto their parents purchase for them.)Juliette asks for Chloe’s forgiveness (flashback come rosé rumble) after informing her, “I don’t like showing i care about things.” OMG THIS STORY LINE needs TO END.Chloe (Hallelujah!) forgives Juliette and says that they “need to have fun in ~ this party, or Amanda will never forgive us.”I adore these life-long friendships.

We’re reminded the Kelsey, despite flirting v her boss, Jake, has an additional fling on the back burner v a various J, Jared. The producers perform a swell task of combating the duel that the J’s through a game of ping-pong.

The King of the Key, evident owner of a bar, regulation student and only human able to kick Cara the the show, Alex shows up with his brand-new foxy girlfriend, Alyssa, and also a current for Amanda.

NEW PHONE, who DIS? component well play in call Gate, Mr. Kompo.

Yet again, Alyssa is plunder of she introductory episode since different freshman Jake hasn’t had his 15 minute of fame on season three, episode 5 yet.

Alex records words, physically thrown out of Chloe’s mouth amongst a huge group that intoxicated millennials, that Jake thinks Alex is a sociopath.Alex do the efforts to define what a sociopath is and takes means too lengthy a pause to it is in taken seriously in this moment .Alex make the efforts with an additional dig, “You have actually bitch written on your forehead” while threatening newbie Jake come fight.Kelsey SWOOPS in and also pulls Jake indigenous the hotel-pool-side scene.“If these males weren’t here, you will do be pissing her pants,” is how Kompo ends that let-down of a potential-brawl.

Commercial break.

Kelsey and also Jake flirt at the indoor purple-lit bar.Jake uses his fighting indigenous in referral to the problem with Alex: “If he access time me, I’m acquisition Daddy’s money.” This male can likewise pack his bags with Robby and also leave at any type of time!Poor Jared dram dumb regarding what is walking on as Kelsey speak Jake, “Yes i care about you, a**hole.”


The curtains open to the last and final scene of PHONE GATE.

Amanda confronts Juliette around her missing phone.Juliette speak Amanda the Robby threw she phone into the ocean.Juliette’s reasoning for not telling Amanda the she knew what Robby did come her an individual belongings: “With anyone hating Robby, ns didn’t understand what come do.”

Just gonna leave the one be.

Amanda reminds Juliette that she has been over there for her always.Juliette claims “sorry” because that the 1292473240273432745236th time this episode.Amanda forgives Juliette and tells her, “I feel prefer this is going come teach friend a really great lesson.”

In today’s classroom through Ms. Amanda and Ms. Juliette, we discover to constantly lie come our friends, particularly when we understand that someone else steals our friends’ property, and then as soon as we space backed right into a edge at an additional birthday party us didn’t desire to walk to, that’s once we should prolong the fact until we simply … can’t … lied … anymore.

Lastly, we view Alyssa earlier on screen and also hear her surprisingly lower-octave voice that we have actually been patiently waiting five episodes for.

Juliette call Alyssa out for blow-drying her hair a month earlier and not making point out of her connection with Alex.Alyssa shoots direct: “We have actually so lot fun together. Ns feel favor you’re happy with Robby too, no?” I carry out love a back-handed-but-served-up-front-face-first-pseudo-compliment.

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Alex destroys the just glimmer of hope this episode had, and once again us are compelled to clock the Kompo-Jules show as Alyssa smooches Alex then flaps her wings to the bar and also tells the other ladies wait for your vodka soda through extra lime, “I no realize just how fake Juliette is.”

Juliette filling Alex in top top why she no invite Robby (for all of our sakes).Alex tells Juliette he didn’t cheat ~ above her.Alex additionally tells Juliette, “You do a big mistake.” (ROBBY = MISTAKE)

Hair-stylist-turned-Kompo-baby-mama (c’mon everyone knows) interrupting the unappealing “Alex said, Juliette said” display snatches her ideal to the throne and also victoriously states, “Alex, ns think that is time come go.” and also he follows her into the abyss that the Sarasota contemporary hotel bar by confirming, “F*** no, ns don’t love Juliette.”

Next main we go into Sarasota’s White Buffalo Salon, angry a hopeful-single Juliette crying (SHOCKER!), Alex leaving dark-angel Alyssa at the bar, and also stumped-all-the-time Jared is left heart-broken once more (hopefully with a big pizza pie).